This is what they call hard work

NUMNUMNUM! I love my protein shake after workouts, I have missed them! I havent worked out regularly for like two weeks until now and they make me happy! Num! I ate super good today and I worked out. I am exhausted and stressed but itll all be fine once I stop working in two weeks. I wish I coulda been a bitch and put in a one week notice. Maybe they will stop scheduling me asap. But I doubt it. We will see. 

But I am happy. And Im seeing someone. I hope he doesnt bail out even though I know he wont my heart is still scared. He treats me really nice. I hope it lasts. 

I am ready to become the fierce, beautiful, talented and skinny/healthy me. Get ready world. I quit my job and now I can focus on what I really need to. I even worked out tonight. I have two weeks left of work and then my schedule will be crazy but MUCH more manageable. 

I CAN DO THIS. I AM READY. IMA BE LIKE BEYONCE BU THE THE ME VERSION. 

Hello everyone. And by everyone I mean the like two people that are following me. I have been back at school two weeks now. Everything is fine with that, I am managing my 21 credit hours and working two nights a week so far. Not that I’ve made it that far but its actually working. I have a few problems. Which is funny because I have so many problems that I don’t deal with, its creating the problems I am having right now. 

1. I pretty much hate myself in a lot of ways. 

Well I guess thats it in general. But there are layers. Like an onion. Which is stupid but you know what I mean. 

First of all,

I hate the way I look. I want to be skinny and every time I get close to getting in the groove of it I run away from it because I get scared. Like what if I can’t do it? And what if I do and I still feel this way. Really mostly, its what if I can’t do it, what if I never lose 50 lbs and I just keep getting fatter. I can’t love myself like this. I just feel like I am fat and ugly, unappealing, not sexy and unloveable. I need to fix this, but I don’t know how.  

I hate how I have no confidence in my abilities. As a student, As a Musician. I feel like I am not talented, if I wasn’t then why would all of these people in the music department have faith in me. Why is it that I am settling at everything. Why am I deciding to be mediocre when I am not. Again, I need to fix this, but I don’t know how. 

I don’t have confidence that I can even get a date. You know what I think? I think why would someone want to date me? I am fat, no one wants to have sex with me, or anything. I think oh man, that guys is really attractive, well I might as well not look because he is not going to like some fat girl. I hate when I do that because I want to have confidence so bad, just like I want to become a musician so bad, and I want to be skinny so bad, so if I wanted it so bad, why do I make excuses? Why don’t I just do it. 

I ask myself these questions about everyday. I need to workout and eat the right thing. everyday. I need to learn the piano better and be able to sing and play a song on the guitar. By April 4th, My junior Recital - I want to be there. I want to be the woman I know I am. So if only I can. I want to lose 50 lbs. I want to be able to play at least 3 songs and sing along on each instruments and I want to pass all my piano proficiencies and blow myself away. Show myself what I can do. 

How can I focus on all these things at once? Like when I am taking 21 credit hours and work two nights a week and conquer this all. Its mostly the problem of ‘finding time’ to workout. 

I want a boyfriend. I want to let someone in who will not hurt me and will break down my many walls that I pretend are not there. And I think Im in love with my best friend, I cannot be sure of that but It doesn’t matter because I am like a man to him and all of our good friends I’d be willing to date. 

I guess only time will tell, maybe I can do it. I will do it, Im sick of not living up to my expectations and telling people I’m going to do something and then just be the same. I don’t want to be this anymore.

Yesterday I was thinking..

Or rather lately, is that I think I know why I have not been just losing my weight. Every time I get on track I find some weird reason why I should quit and I think I actually have realized why I do. I think that I believe that if I lose weight, after I have fixed everything that I believe is wrong with me right now that I will still be alone. I know cliche, blah blah blah I don’t care because it is how I feel. And though I am losing weight the right way and to help myself I know that its true (Along with all the other overweight girls who are the most amazing people I know) that men will deliberately not even give me a chance because I am not skinny. I need to just realize that I am worth it and that I can do this and I will be a better self and a healthier self, mind and body if I do this. 

So today..

I was laying on my bed feeling like a piece of shit and being lazy because I have to work tonight and so then I said to myself, stop doing this, stop selling yourself short and just go and fly. So I went to the gym and ran 1 mile and then biked 10 miles. Yesterday I ran 1 mile and biked 10 and then lifted weights for 30 min. I am going to do this and I ate good all day! 

This is it and I am going to do this. 

We can all do it. Be the best versions of ourselves we can be. 

Everybody, I have decided to go vegan on the weekdays to try and help my tendency to go over calories or over fat or over carbohydrates. I am hoping that it helps me lose weight and control my food intake and be healthy, I will eat cheese or meat etc on the weekend to stop myself from going crazy! I can do this! I can! 

I ran a mile today in 11 minutes. Which is okay. I suck. So then I went on the bike for thirty minutes. 

I want to be fifty pounds lighter.

So, I went to cali to visit joshua! And he looks so good, he is so healthy and it amazes me! :) I am going to do this, and commit to the max to everything that I am doing. I

1. Workout M-F at 6am

2. Read all text book chapters

3. Study like a mo-fo and get A’s on all assignments and tests

4. Eat crazy good and lose mega lbs. 

5. Drink a TON of green tea, (Not only is it good for you vocal chords but apparently it helped Josh lose a ton of his weight) and try and eat like 4 small meals a day. 

6. Memorize the crazy amount of music I need to memorize. 

7. Lastly, some how handle my crazy schedule including working 20 hours a week and be proud of myself for once in my life. 

Just like Josh’s Dad told me, just do the work. 

I have not weighed myself in awhile because I am at home.